Your wife may be genuinely dissatisfied with her present life — perhaps along the lines you yourself have sketched near the end of your letter. Perhaps she is right that for some people, maybe including her, a lifelong commitment to the same person is untenable and leads to misery for all involved.
The Stoics were nothing if pragmatic, and one of their main tenets was the necessity to willingly accept how reality is, instead of clinging to wishful thinking:. Now, it is not, at the moment, inevitable that your relationship will end. Much is still under your control: you can try a fresh start with your wife, beginning by admitting your own limitations, your insecurities and somewhat unethical behavior; you can suggest couple therapy; and you can do your best without trying to generate guilt! This may or may not work. As Cicero would put it, to keep your marriage working is to be chosen, but not to be desired — meaning that you should try your best, but that you should also be ready to move on if the attempt turns out to be futile.
Best luck to you and your wife, and especially your kids. Well Lady Fortuna has given me a timely topic to try to unpack and sort out. I am thankful. Unfortunately, it involves far more than kissing and has been going on for months. I have tried to use Stoicism to attack this crisis on many levels. I coulda, woulda, shoulda done something different years ago instead of spending our savings on what now can be considered a lost cause. The fact that I did not try hard enough to rescue our poisoned marriage also weighs on me heavily. My wife loves another man now.
Let that sink in. Obviously, divorce is an option for me, but there are kids in involved. As a child of divorced parents I do not want that reality for my kids. It will clearly exacerbate the money issues. I would not wish anxiety on anyone and mine right now is really through the roof. I reach into the arsenal of stoic wisdom daily hourly? Massimo, thank you for all you do for Stoicism..
Your writings are deep and drenched with wisdom. I have bought your book and look forward to reading it. I only recently found stoicism and am still a novice and feel unprepared for this maelstrom I find myself in. I wonder what the Stoics would say to a man who believes he blew up his life. That is how I am trying to live. Like Like. My comment is based in my experience of more than 50 years of marriage.
That is how I feel. I feel she has no right to get angry with me as I am not the one who had the affair. I still feel that it will be me doing the work to keep us together. Hugs, I really hear you. I found it such a difficult time too, when its all still very raw for you, and they want to stop talking about it. We had lots fights too. I remember feeling like I was in such a deep hole, I couldn't work out what i needed even.
Its frustrating when they lie or defend themselves, isn't it? You can't get what you really need, when they want to shut the conversation down. My partner's evasiveness softened after a while, he said that he was scared if he really copped to what he did , I would leave him. But we did start being about to talk about it. It was gradual though. After a few months, I hadn't left leave and he started to be able to talk about some details, and show the remorse I needed to see. That's why I say give it a bit of time. They are very scared too. What you can do in the mean time though, is ask for the comfort you need so much.
You know those times when you feel so low, lost and you feel like crying? Those times you can go to your wife and ask for a hug and reassurance.
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To really get that comfort, I found it was important to not talk about the details and thoughts. That's a separate conversation, for another time. I got more of the comfort I needed when I mainly spoke about how I feel in the moment, and what I was afraid of. And asking to hold their hand or for a hug makes it even more comforting.
Bindi thank you. I hear what you are saying. Especially at home. In this lounge room is family pictures of us and our little boy plus our wedding photo and her framed bouquet. Especially the wedding side.
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Yesterday being our wedding anniversary I made a very conscious effort not to talk about it. But it ate at me a lot. Friday we are meant to have a romantic 2 nights in the city in a suite with amazing views.
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She still wants to go. I feel like I want to take my 4wd and motorbikes and go bush for the weekend. Just to be away from it all.
But for some reason I feel guilty. Yeah she will give me comfort. However I now question how genuine it is. She promised not to lie to me again or cheat on me. She promised to speak to me if she was feeling neglected, alone etc.
After a hiccup last year, we decided to try for another baby in the new year. In March she came to me with the test and said she was pregnant. I was happy.
We were excited. We did the doctors and ultrasound. I asked her if she had told anyone and she said no. I asked her 3 more times over the next month and she finally admitted telling her friend. My concern being she was more worried about lying to her friend than her husband. We had an argument where at the start of it she told me to pack my shit and leave. Bad choice of words for what I meant. She then said she would raise the baby alone. I asked do I take no responsibility for it?